From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...

Trust Me

"You're a financial planner and you want to invest my retirement savings in scratch tickets?"
    "Trust me. I was a POW."

"You're a plumber and you're going to fix my clog with a stick of dynamite?"
    "Trust me. I was a POW."

"You're a firefighter and you're going to put out the flames with gasoline?"
    "Trust me. I was a POW."

"You're a jeweler and you're going to fix my Rolex with a hammer?"
    "Trust me. I was a POW."

"You’re a nuclear physicist and you're giving out 'free samples' of enriched uranium to children?"
    "Trust me. I was a POW."

"You're a surgeon and you're using a rusty hacksaw?"
    "Trust me. I was a POW."

"You’re the Republican candidate for president and you want to fix the country's problems even though you don’t know much about the economy, you don’t know how to use the internet, you don’t know how many houses you own or what kind of car you drive, you admit you don’t think clearly when you’re tired, you make frequent gaffes on foreign policy, you think offshore drilling is a short-term solution to high gas prices, you support torture and keeping the Guantanamo prison open, you make rash decisions and statements from which you have to quickly backtrack, you have an explosive temper on a hair trigger, your idea of health care reform is 'wear more sunscreen,' you're for stem cell research except when it's done on stem cells because you consider them all American citizens, and you voted to support the policies of the worst president ever 100 percent of the time this year?"
    "Trust me, my friends. I was a POW."

Only in Republicanland.

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From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...

Ruh Roh

Over the weekend my partner Michael was taking me "zoom zoom" in a shopping cart at the supermarket, when a tabloid---the ALL NEW Sun---fell off the rack and into my lap. Obviously once that happens you can't put it back, so we were forced to buy it.

And thank god we did!

Inside are 100 End Times Prophecies discovered by a "sophisticated computer algorithm" at the esteemed Crucible Institute that---quoting here---"will come true by Thanksgiving." Here's just a sample:

> Congress secretly enacts Doomsday legislation.
> The governor of a southern state admits he's a Satanist.
> An Iranian spy is caught working for Dick Cheney.
> The Federal Reserve Chairman is kidnapped by an angry foreclosure victim.
> A live cat is found on Mars.
> President Bush vanishes for five days and says he was taken to Heaven.
> A blue whale beaches itself on Martha's Vineyard and coughs up a missing sailor---alive.
> Satan appears briefly in Baghdad.
> A river in Idaho flows with blood.
> A Space Station astronaut grows horns.
> All Chinese products are pulled from American stores.

I can hear it now:

Chris Matthews: Pat, you know this end times stuff better than anyone. Do these cataclysmic events benefit the McCain campaign or the Obama campaign?

Pat Buchanan: Well, first of all, Chris, when President Bush comes back from Heaven I think you'll see him leave office with a good ten- to fifteen-point bump in his popularity. But, look, my point is this: this is excellent news for John McCain. He a seasoned pro. He was a POW. He's got the experience to deal with the end times. Look, the biggest obstacle to a successful Rapture will be the Russians and maybe the Chinese, who will do everything in their power to stop it. McCain was a POW. And he won’t be afraid to lock in those launch codes and push that button when he feels it's our time to meet the Lord and savior. Now, Obama might be better on the constitutionality of Doomsday legislation and he might be a little better suited for dealing with cats on Mars. And environmentally speaking, he'd be a better choice for getting the blood outta that Idaho river. But, look, when you see John McCain on the deck of an aircraft carrier welcoming a sailor back from the belly of a blue whale, I think Americans are gonna say, 'This is a leader. This is a former POW and he's got a score to settle.'

Matthews: Rachel, what do you think?

Rachel Maddow: Chris, I think I'm really, really glad I'm getting my own show so I can get far away from you two.

What does one wear to the end times, anyway? I'm thinking chiffon.

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From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...

A View from the Clouds

She describes herself as a "software geek by day, crazy cat lady by night." She's writing a book on food policy that will be published next spring. And she heads the netroots advocacy site Recipe for America, whose goal is "to restore democracy to America's food system in order to improve the health of our nation's citizens, family farms, communities, healthcare system, and environment." In our continuing series, Yes, We're All Staring At YOU!, Jill Richardson takes a turn under the C&J klieg lights. You may know her better as one of Daily Kos's favorite Recommended-diary denizens, OrangeClouds115:

How long have you been blogging and what brought you to Daily Kos?
McJoan told me I signed up January 2006. I got into blogging on LiveJournal about a year before that out of frustration at George Fucking Bush and a desire to get others to live a greener lifestyle as a way of resisting the Axis of Oil. It was probably Sam Seder's show that got me onto DailyKos, but I know for sure what got me truly into blogging about politics beyond Livejournal. I heard that bloggers outed Jeff Gannon and I was determined to find the rest of the hookers in the White House Press Corps. If blogging was the way to do it, well, I'll be a blogger then.

Your website is Recipe for America. What, in your opinion, is the #1 problem with our food supply today?
Lack of democracy, to quote Frances Moore Lappe. There are a few people with a lot of power and the majority have very little. Every other problem comes down to that and little else.

Me, I'm a low-carb fella---pay no attention to the Oreo ice cream I'm having for breakfast. What kind of diet do you recommend for optimal health?
To quote another food hero, Michael Pollan: "Eat Food. Mostly Plants. Not Too Much." When he says eat food, he means real food. If your great great grandmother wouldn't recognize it, don't put it in your mouth. That means ice cream is fair game but Oreos are out, Bill. I'd add to that advice that any animal you eat (or whose products you eat) should also eat real food. Your great great grandmother would recognize beef and milk as foods, but if a cow was eating chicken litter, rendered animal byproducts, hormones, and antibiotics for dinner instead of grass, then that cow and its milk aren't food.

What kind of music makes you feel invincible to the GOP horde?
I love all of the stereotypical liberal stuff. "Eve of Destruction," "For What Its Worth"... or for something written during my lifetime "Let's Impeach the President" and "Not Ready to Make Nice." The Republicans might have their own TV channel and they might own the entire talk radio medium (almost) but compared to us, their music sucks. Those songs keep that in perspective.

Looking into your crystal ball, do predict improvements in our food supply under a president Obama?
Yes, but not drastically like we need. Taking on the fight that needs to be won involves an enormous shift in the entire power structure of our country. He's not interested in that fight. But he has voiced support for some reforms, like the "packer ban"---a ban on meatpackers owning livestock, which will make the very consolidated meat industry just a little bit more competitive. It's not a total fix but it's something our side has been fighting for for a long time, and we haven't won it yet. The Senate was ready to give it to us this year but the House flat-out refused. So Obama means some hope.

What's the one book every Kossack must read?
Is it fair to say Crashing the Gate? If we're talking about food-related books, I'd say The Omnivore's Dilemma by Michael Pollan. But I think Crashing the Gate is the most relevant to all of us, even those who don't give a rat's ass about food, and it's the best statement on what we're really doing here and what direction we need to move in.

You recently took the USDA to task in a column published on AlterNet. What grade would you give the USDA under President Bush?
The USDA hasn't gotten its own Grade A rating for many decades now. It's a wholly owned subsidiary of the National Cattleman's Beef Association. Yes, they get a big fat F under Bush (as do most other agencies... FEMA, I'm talking to you) but that doesn't mean they were better under Clinton. There's a fantastic book called Mad Sheep by a woman named Linda Faillace. Under the Clinton USDA, her family worked with the government to legally import European sheep. It was a brilliant business venture because European sheep breeds can produce 10 to 25 times more milk than American ones and Americans import a lot of sheep's milk cheese from overseas. Once her family had the sheep, the USDA got some heat about mad cow and they decided to take it out on the Faillace family, claiming their sheep had mad cow disease and needed to be destroyed. The government did over 400 negative tests for mad cow on the sheep until they were finally able to come up with a false positive or two using some year-old freezer-burned sheep brains and an invalid testing method in a later discredited lab. It was Bush's USDA that finally took the sheep and murdered them because the fight lasted beyond the Clinton administration, but Clinton's USDA was just as bad in that story.

Finish this sentence: In the kitchen I make a mean...
Hot chocolate. I don't mess around. I'll add Cointreau, cayenne, vanilla, all kinds of things. And always make your hot chocolate with milk or soy milk. Anything that comes in a mix and directions to make it with water isn't good hot chocolate.

What do you do for fun when you're not workin' the blogs?
Hiking. Although usually I'm composing blog posts in my head while I hike.

No waffling here: dogs or cats?
Cats! If you haven't seen pics of my three furry daughters yet, let me know and I will correct that problem immediately.

What are your favorite blogs besides Daily Kos and your own?
I don't do too much blogging outside of Daily Kos and my own blog, La Vida Locavore.

I have one question left, but I need to retire to my forensics lab---I think I'm close to proving that Lincoln actually died of scurvy.  Please ask and answer the final question yourself:

Oh boy... you already let me identify myself as a cat person. What else is there? OK, I got one. What are the most memorable diaries I've read on this site?

Well, Bill, great question. One of the diaries I go back to again and again is Dallasdoc's Guide to Stop Smoking and not because I'm a smoker or ever was. I basically offer it to every smoker I meet, with the caveat that I obviously don't know what it's like to quit. But as someone who totally can't empathize it looks like great advice to me.

Up next: the Incredible Hulk of the Rec list.

Cheers and Jeers starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]

From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...

Quick! Don’t Think of a Wounded Elephant!

AP:

John McCain may have created his own housing crisis. [...]  With the economy the top issue in the race, Obama sought to turn McCain's gaffe into one of those symbolic moments that stick in voters' minds.

Think John Kerry sailboarding or the first President Bush wowed by a grocery store checkout scanner, Michael Dukakis riding in a tank or Gerald Ford eating a tamale with the husk still on.

Okay, okay, you win, we'll think of a wounded elephant. But only for the next 74 news cycles.

And just to recap what we know about The Real John McCain:

>>  He doesn’t remember how many houses he owns, and even the press can't figure out if it's 7, 8, 9, 10 or 12
>>  He needs a 9-car motorcade to buy a Cappuccino at Starbucks
>>  He needs to look at notecards to "remember" the price of milk
>>  His household budget includes $273,000 for servants
>>  He thinks $5 million is the line between the middle class and the rich
>>  He thinks our economy is basically sound
>>  He doesn’t think anyone would accept an offer to pick lettuce for $50 an hour
>>  He plans to announce his running mate with balloons and cake on August 29 while the rest of the country is mourning the victims of hurricane Katrina on the third anniversary of its arrival

A real man of the people---the top 0.01 percent of them, anyway.

Is it possible the Republican party has found someone more clueless than George W. Bush? Now that's what I call finding a needle in a haystack.

Oh, and I just got a text message from the Obama campaign: "It's Jodie Foster."

Your west coast-friendly edition of Cheers and Jeers starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]

From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...

(Applause)

Bit of an energy crunch we're in, ain’t it? I was pondering how we got caught so seemingly flat-footed, so I went back and revisited President Bush's State of the Union speeches to see if there was a way we could've avoided this mess. (He said nothing about energy in either his 2001 or 2005 inaugural addresses.) Turns out he was quite the visionary:

2002:  "Good jobs also depend on reliable and affordable energy. This Congress must act to encourage conservation, promote technology, build infrastructure, and it must act to increase energy production at home so America is less dependent on foreign oil."  (Applause.)
-
2003: "Our third goal is to promote energy independence for our country, while dramatically improving the environment. (Applause.) I have sent you a comprehensive energy plan to promote energy efficiency and conservation, to develop cleaner technology, and to produce more energy at home." (Applause.) ...
-
2004: "Consumers and businesses need reliable supplies of energy to make our economy run---so I urge you to pass legislation to modernize our electricity system, promote conservation, and make America less dependent on foreign sources of energy." (Applause.)
-
2006: "Keeping America competitive requires affordable energy. And here we have a serious problem: America is addicted to oil, which is often imported from unstable parts of the world. The best way to break this addiction is through technology. Since 2001, we have spent nearly $10 billion [Less than the cost of waging the Iraq war for one month. --BiPM] to develop cleaner, cheaper, and more reliable alternative energy sources---and we are on the threshold of incredible advances. (Applause.)
-
2007: "For too long our nation has been dependent on foreign oil. ... It's in our vital interest to diversify America's energy supply---the way forward is through technology. We must continue changing the way America generates electric power, by even greater use of clean coal technology, solar and wind energy, and clean, safe nuclear power. (Applause.) We need to press on with battery research for plug-in and hybrid vehicles, and expand the use of clean diesel vehicles and biodiesel fuel. (Applause.) We must continue investing in new methods of producing ethanol -- (applause) -- using everything from wood chips to grasses, to agricultural wastes.
-
2008: "Our security, our prosperity, and our environment all require reducing our dependence on oil. ... Together we should take the next steps: Let us fund new technologies that can generate coal power while capturing carbon emissions. (Applause.) Let us increase the use of renewable power and emissions-free nuclear power. (Applause.) Let us continue investing in advanced battery technology and renewable fuels to power the cars and trucks of the future. (Applause.)

Now he's down to his last five months---goals unmet and promises broken---and the best he can do as he sleeps through the rest of his term is this:

"And so we discussed a variety of strategies about how to affect the supply of oil, and one way that we can affect the supply of oil is to increase access to offshore exploration on the Outer Continental Shelf. ... Once they solve this problem, they can allow us to drill in northern Alaska."

Great president...or Greatest President Ever?

P.S. Congressional Dems, if you're gonna collapse on drilling, at least try to collapse intelligently. I know, I know...probably too much to ask.

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From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...

Breakfast...served up by Jack Cafferty on a silver platter (See also czardingus's diary. And then remind me again why Obama's surrogates rarely speak this plainly.)

Start with a juicy melon wedge:

It occurs to me that John McCain is as intellectually shallow as our current president. When asked what his Christian faith means to him, his answer was a one-liner. "It means I'm saved and forgiven." Great scholars have wrestled with the meaning of faith for centuries.

Some toast with jam (blueberry's my favorite):

Asked about his greatest moral failure, he cited his first marriage, which ended in divorce. While saying it was his greatest moral failing, he offered nothing in the way of explanation. Why not?

Eggs Benedict:

He was asked to define rich. After trying to dodge the question -- his wife is worth a reported $100 million -- he finally said he thought an income of $5 million was rich. One after another, McCain's answers were shallow, simplistic, and trite. He showed the same intellectual curiosity that George Bush has---virtually none.

Home fries:

He no longer allows reporters unfettered access to him aboard the "Straight Talk Express" for a reason. He simply makes too many mistakes. Unless he's reciting talking points or reading from notes or a TelePrompTer, John McCain is lost.

And a fresh cup of coffee:

Bush goes bumbling along, grinning and spewing moronic one-liners, as though nobody understands what a colossal failure he has been. I fear to the depth of my being that John McCain is just like him.

Urp! When's lunch?

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From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...

Dear U.S. Mint,

I know you've been looking for ways to make the penny relevant again, and I'd like to submit this idea before the liquor wears off.

I think you should join forces with the FDA to release news of product warnings and recalls on the backs of pennies. This would not only provide a valuable public service to Americans, it would instantly turn pennies into valuable limited-edition collectibles. I can just hear the happy haggling on street corners and in soda fountains across the country:

"I'll swap you a Vioxx recall for a mad cow advisory."
"Throw in three tomato scares and I'll consider it."
"How about two tomato scares and a lead-paint-in-childrens-toys warning?"
"Denver mint or Philadelphia mint?"
"Denver."
"You’re kidding. Heck, for that I'll throw in a jalapeno-pepper ingestion alert."
"Deal!"
"By the way, you want to see something cool?"
"Sure."
"Check this out: A genuine "Matterhorn Group Inc. Announces Voluntary Recall of "Astro Pops" and "Missile Pops" 3.5 oz Cherry Pineapple Frozen Novelty Pops in Arizona, Nevada and California due to Safety Hazard" penny.
"The Holy Grail! You lucky bastard."

I offer this suggestion at no charge, out of love for the lowly coin that kept me swimming in gumballs during my youth until I discovered the crowbar.

Sincerely, Bill in Portland Maine

P.S.  Cheers and Jeers starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]

From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...

Got Muck? Part II

More of my interview with Joseph Cummins, author of the fun, trivia-filled book, Anything for a Vote: Dirty Tricks, Cheap Shots, and October Surprises in U.S. Presidential Campaigns (part I from Friday is here):

C&J: What has struck you as the most absurd thing about the 2008 presidential election season so far?
Joseph Cummins: The way politicians both in the primaries and now in the national campaign have been quick to make "going negative" one of their main attacks. As if "going negative" were not what presidential campaigns were all about, way back to the days when Davy Crockett called Martin Van Buren a transvestite and Abraham Lincoln was accused of having smelly feet.

Do dirty tricks really help candidates win campaigns?
I absolutely think they do. No matter how many times people may tell pollsters they hate dirty politics or "negative" advertising, there’s something in dirt that attracts us all. As far back as 1840, the prominent Whig politician Thomas Elder summed it up rather brilliantly in one sentence: "Passion and prejudice properly aroused and directed...do about as well as principle and reason in a party contest."

Look how well Lyndon Johnson’s smears on Barry Goldwater worked. He even had him portrayed in the robes of a Ku Klux Klan member in a children’s coloring book. See how Herbert Hoover was able to paint Al Smith in 1928 as a Papist who would change the way good Protestants worshipped in this country.

All very nasty---all very effective. You don’t believe people will swallow these types of things until you see it in action. Last spring, I was waiting for my daughter at her gymnastics class and overheard two women reassuring each other that if Barack Obama were---by some wild stretch of the imagination---elected president, he would be unable to serve because he could not take the Oath of Office. Why? Because he was a Muslim who would need to be sworn in on a Koran, and the Constitution calls for a Bible. Wrong, wrong, wrong---yet, of course, people believe this stuff.

And these are just the slanderous variety of dirty tricks. The election of 1876 was simply stolen in the South by Republicans altering electoral vote returns. And of course no one can say that in either 1960 or 2000 every vote was counted properly.

Do political blogs like Daily Kos have forerunners in history?
Yeah, in a sense they do, in the 19th century. When people wanted to support their candidates---or, in a day when candidates did not campaign openly, when candidates themselves wanted to create support---they started broadsheets and newspapers more than willing to launch scurrilous attacks---not that Daily Kos is scurrilous, of course)---against their opponents. Early examples being the Republican paper The National Gazette and the Republican rag Gazette of the United States. Lively exchanges of letters were printed in such papers, many of them leading to duels. If you didn’t want to start your own newspaper or write letters, you could pretty cheaply have a pamphlet printed up with a title about a paragraph long. One example being Davy Crockett’s insanely spurious The Life of Martin Van Buren, Heir-Apparent to the 'Government,' and the Appointed Successor of General Andrew Jackson. Containing Every Authentic Particular by Which His Extraordinary Character Has Been Formed. With a Concise History of the Events That Have Occasioned His Unparalleled Elevation; Together with a Review of His Policy as a Statesman, which was probably penned at a local tavern by an ancestor of the same guy who these days might be tapping away on his laptop at Starbucks.

What are some of the politically-oriented blogs you visit on a regular basis?
I like Daily Kos, of course, as well as Politico, Political Wire and The Huffington Post. This is not a blog, but David Leip’s Atlas of U.S. Presidents has a lot of interesting stats on presidential elections in history.

No waffling here: dogs or cats?
I like a good waffle as much as any presidential politician, but here I don’t have to equivocate: cats all the way. I currently have Mimi, a one year-old orange, white and black calico, who purrs and bites at the same time. Like Laura Bush, or so I’m told.

Joe's blog is here. We thank him for adding some humor and historical perspective as the '08 campaign prepares to rev into high-smear gear. Oh, happy happy joy joy.

Welcome to Monday, my precious zombies. Cheers and Jeers feeds on Republican flesh (warning: it's gamy) in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]

From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...

Got Muck?

You think the 2008 election campaign is ugly? Brother, you ain't seen nothin'.

Earlier this year I stumbled (it's much easier than walking) onto a wickedly entertaining book called Anything for a Vote: Dirty Tricks, Cheap Shots, and October Surprises in U.S. Presidential Campaigns. It's a snarky, trivia-filled look at each of the 55 presidential contests between 1789 (when George Washington ran against himself) and 2004 (When John Kerry ran against the swiftboaters), and a helluva lot of fun for political junkies. Author Joe Cummins is a regular Daily Kos reader and graciously agreed to take a turn in the C&J beanbag chair:

C&J: In your book you grade several of the presidential campaigns on a "Sleaze-O-Meter" scale of one to ten. How would you rate the 2008 campaign so far?
Joseph Cummins: For those of us who like our dirty tricks, it probably only rates a three so far, with ten being reserved for such smearfests as the Adams-Jefferson 1800 battle, the 1876 fight between Rutherford Hayes and Samuel Tilden or the 1960 Kennedy-Nixon contest. Things started out well in the primaries---I mean, when you have the supposed story of Barack Obama’s terrorist pre-school or the story that Mike Huckabee’s son tortured and killed a dog while he was a boy scout---well, you naturally have the expectation that the dirt will be flying fast and furious.

But it wasn’t, at least historically speaking. Hillary and Obama spent a good deal of time sniping at each other for "going negative," as McCain and Obama are doing now. That’s an interesting trend among politicians these days---the pre-emptive "how dare you play dirty politics" strike. But, really, how does any of this compare to calling your opponent "a fathead with the brains of a guinea pig," as Teddy Roosevelt addressed William Howard Taft in 1912. Or telling voters they might go to hell if they voted for a candidate, as Harry Truman cautioned about Richard Nixon in 1960. Of course, he was right.

Is there a particular era when presidential campaigns were at their sleaziest, or has it been pretty consistent over the years?
Actually, it hasn’t been consistent over the years---we’ve had worse decades and better decades. I think it’s really interesting that, just as politics change to suit the times, so does the nature of the dirty tricks. The 1880s---the Gilded Age, when money was king---was the era of bagmen rather openly carrying suitcases full of hundreds of thousands in cash (two-dollar bills, known in the parlance as "Soapy Sam" because they greased palms) to pivotal states to buy elections. In the 1960s and early ‘70s, both Democrats and Republicans (Lyndon Johnson and Richard Nixon) enlisted the aid of the CIA---very cool at the time---and liked bugging opponents’ campaign planes and offices. The era of the really nasty campaign ad kicked into high gear in 1988, when the Republicans destroyed Michael Dukakis with an onslaught of spots about Willie Horton---it set the tone for campaign attack commercials to this day.

The turn of the 21st century has seen voters disenfranchised by zealous Secretaries of State who are their party’s state campaign co-chairs (Katherine Harris in Florida in 2000, J. Kenneth Blackwell in Ohio in 2004), a disturbing trend which may be exacerbated in 2008 by Voter ID laws recently upheld by the Supreme Court.

Who ran the most flat-out incompetent campaign ever?
Wow. There have been so many. Republican Thomas Dewey ran probably the worst in history, I think, against President Harry Truman in 1948. Truman at the time---people forget this because his reputation has been so rehabbed of late---was despised by so many Americans that a favorite catchphrase, never failing to elicit laughter, was: "I wonder what Truman would do if he were alive?" Dewey was young---the first Presidential candidate born in the 20th century---efficient, smart and pollsters had him leading by such a large margin that George Gallup announced he was simply going to stop polling.

But instead of pressing his advantage, Dewey went on the defensive. Spent most of his time trying to avoid making a mistake or saying anything controversial. And Truman ended up eating him alive. Lesson to frontrunners: never say "I win" until the little guy from Missouri concedes.

Is there anything about the 2008 campaign that you consider to be groundbreaking---that we haven't seen or experienced before?
I think the only thing that I, personally, haven’t seen before is Obama’s anti-smear website, Fight the Smears, which contrasts the supposed slanders being spread about the candidate with the truth. It remains to be seen how it works, since it speaks mainly to the choir, but it is a clever way of saying to people that Obama, by default (where is the McCain anti-smear site?), is the one being trashed.

Has there been a campaign song that had an actual impact on an election?
Can't really find a campaign song that has had a major impact on an election, but I remain fond of this little ditty, sung by myself and my little six year old friends in the first election I remember, the 1956 rematch between Adlai Stevenson and Dwight Eisenhower:

Whistle while you work
Stevenson's a jerk.
Mussolini bit his weenie
Now it doesn't work!

Made absolutely no sense but we delighted in it.....

Part 2 of the interview Monday. In the meantime, pop a cork or a pull-tab, check out Joe's blog and then say hello to your brand new weekend. Your west coast-friendly edition of Cheers and Jeers starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]

From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...

I'm feeling shy today, so I'll let someone else do the talking...

"Where would we be without the agitators of the world attaching the electrodes of knowledge to the nipples of ignorance?"
---Dick, on Third Rock from the Sun
-
"When a man carries a gun all the time, the respect he thinks he's getting might really be fear. So I don’t carry a gun because I don’t want the people of Mayberry to fear a gun; I'd rather they would respect me."
---Crazy Hippie Sheriff Andy Taylor
-
"Left to their own devices, the three networks would televise live executions. Except Fox---they'd televise live naked executions."
---Producer David Goldberg
-
"One of the best ways to get yourself a reputation as a dangerous citizen is to go about repeating the very phrases which our fathers used in the struggle for Independence."
---Historian Charles A. Beard
-
"If combat means living in a ditch, females have biological problems staying in a ditch for thirty days because they get infections and they don't have upper body strength. I mean, some do, but they're relatively rare."
---Newt Gingrich (aka the Republicans' Yoda)
-
"Oh, 'meltdown'---it's one of those annoying buzzwords. We prefer to call it an unrequested fission surplus."
---Mr. Burns

And since it's Five O'clock somewhere:

"I am a firm believer in the people. If given the truth, they can be depended upon to meet any national crisis. The great point is to bring them the real facts, and beer."
---Abraham Lincoln

Oh, I had a dream about you last night. I can't believe what you did to Mitch McConnell with that pineapple. Cheers and Jeers starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]

From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...

It was recently revealed that John McCain has been stripped of the things that once made him an appealing candidate. Now firmly "contained" under the thumb of Karl Rove's goons, he has surrendered his maverick status and become a subservient yes-man, complicit in a campaign retooled to belch smears and lies all day. C&J has obtained a partial list of the things that McCain can and cannot have while he's under new management:

John McCain can't have:
Unfettered cellphone access
Sharp objects
Give and take
Any more green backgrounds or supermarket photo-ops
Original ideas
Calls at 3am, lest he appear tired the next day
A moment alone with anyone other than his campaign manager
Another mistress
Unsupervised questions from reporters
His old integrity back

John McCain can have...
Ice cream
A private jet
Fresh pairs of $520 loafers
Unlimited funds from corporate lobbyists
A still-fawning press that makes Obama jump the highest bar, but lets McCain jump the lowest
Tums
A painfully boring convention
An 11th house
An affiliation with sleazy campaigners that will be a black stain on his reputation for the rest of his life
Bottled hot water in case he spots any dehydrated babies
Naps
Kool-Aid
3 x 5 index cards with talking points HE CAN NEVER DEVIATE FROM!!!!!!!

Sad. The big brave maverick who so decisively insists on staying and fighting in Iraq is too scared to run a campaign on his own principles, integrity and record.

Brilliant move.

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From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...

Republicans to the Rescue

I'm just a simple caveman. I need things to be spelled out in grade-school terms so they can penetrate the soft, gooey, walnut-size center of my brain. Here's the Republicans' short-term solution for dealing with today's gas prices in language everyone can understand. Aaaand...GO!

August September October November (2008 election) December January February March April May June July August September October November December January February March April May June July August September October November December January February March April May June July August September October November December

Leasing for offshore drilling begins. Awesome!

January February March April May June July August September October November (2012 election) December January February March April May June July August September October November December January February March April May June July August September October November December January February March April May June July August September October November December January February March April May June July August September October November (2016 election) December

Production begins. Spirits soar!

January February March April May June July August September October November December January February March April May June July August September October November December January February March April May June July August September October November December January February March April May June July August September October November (2020 election) December January February March April May June July August September October November December January February March April May June July August September October November December January February March April May June July August September October November December January February March April May June July August September October November (2024 election) December January February March April May June July August September October November December January February March April May June July August September October November December January February March April May June July August September October November December January February March April May June July August September October November (2028 election) December January February March April May June July August September October November December January February March April May June July August

Twenty two years later, pennies worth of immediate relief at the pump. Thanks, GOP!

Beep Beep!

Cheers and Jeers starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]

From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...

Clammy with a C

He calls himself "A free-thinking, liberal, independent-minded, bullshit-calling sports nut."  His blog is My Three Cents, where he promises "rants, fingerpointing, state of the world commentary and anything else that merits pointing out." (We hear his pointing finger is insured by Lloyds of London for $5 million.) He grew up on Long Island and now lives in New Jersey as a CPA. You know him as that renegade of the recommended diaries list, clammyc. And today he's in the hot seat for the latest edition of Yes, We're All Staring at YOU!

Cheers and Jeers: How long have you been blogging and what brought you to Daily Kos?
ClammyC: I started blogging in mid 2005 after finding DKos through my daily rounds through what I used to call "alternative news" sites.  These people with one word names like "Hunter" and "Armando" kept writing some good stuff, so I decided to go the one-name route as well.  I came for the insight and analysis and I stay because I haven’t been banned.  Yet.

I understand you're a poker player.  Every time I play, I keep getting all the same card.  It's always King-King-King-King and Ace-Ace-Ace-Ace, so I just fold because it's so boring to look at. How do you fight that kind of monotony when you play?
I always make sure to keep a few cards up one of my sleeves. And I always wear long sleeve shirts. This way, you can always mix it up when you need to show 5 Aces or three pairs of Kings.

What kind of music makes you feel invincible to the GOP horde?
You mean I need music to feel invincible? Actually....I’m partial to classic rock (Beatles, Stones, Black Crowes) and jam bands like Phish and the Grateful Dead, although a little old school rap like Public Enemy or NWA probably works better in scaring the GOOPers off this election cycle.

Your blog is called My Three Cents, and you claim to offer "50% more opinion for free."  How can you do that without destroying your profit margin?
That extra 50% doesn’t even consider the obscene amounts that I charge for the first 2 cents worth of my opinion.

What's the one book every Kossack must read?
I’ll be serious here and say Al Gore’s The Assault on Reason. But every Kossack should also read The Complete Calvin and Hobbes. Calvin is my hero.

Your thoughts on the 2008 election season so far?
In all honesty, kind of boring overall, although I like the amount of involvement that Obama is generating. I wish that the Democrats would go on the attack more than they have---there is no reason that McCain should be within 15 points of Obama.

Finish this sentence: In the kitchen I make a mean...
Bowl of cereal. Actually, I like cooking a lot and used to do it quite a bit, but the missus is an excellent cook herself and won’t let me touch her pots and pans unless I nag and nag her to---or if she is too tired from dealing with the baby. I’m better with the BBQ grill though.

What do you do for fun when you're not workin' the blogs?
I’m a total fantasy sports junkie---three baseball leagues, five football leagues, a hockey league and NCAA hoops as well. Oh yeah, and I look forward to corrupting my four-month old son.

Who should Obama pick as his running mate?
I’ve gone back and forth on this, and am leaning towards Clark. Of the "short list contenders" I’d pick Biden over Bayh and Kaine.

No waffling here: dogs or cats?
Dogs, for sure. And it isn’t only because I have a wheaten terrier. And I prefer waffles to pancakes.

What are your favorite blogs besides Daily Kos and your own?
Booman writes some of the best stuff around and I can’t not read Digby. Buhdy’s place is also one that I stop by as much as I remember to...But the Rude Pundit also has a special place in my heart.

What's the very first thing Obama should do as president...besides fumigate the White House and scan it for bugs planted by Karl Rove, I mean.
Hold a huge keg party on the South Lawn, no Republicans invited. In the name of unity, of course.

I have one question left, but I need to go figure out how to get bubble gum out of my hair.  Please ask and answer the final question yourself...

How do you deal with being so awesome all the time?
Well, thanks for asking---it is tough, but you get used to it after a while.

Yay! Only four days 'til Friday! Cheers and Jeers starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]

From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...

Properly-inflated Late Night Snark Saves Gas:

Jon Stewart: We just heard that Iraq has announced an 80-billion dollar surplus.  How are they gonna spend this money?
John Oliver: Well John, like everything in Iraq now, it is up for reasoned discussion. Some have suggested a few infrastructure improvements and then socking the rest away.  Others would like to construct a giant bed, cover it with all the money, and then let everyone in the country just roll around on it Scrooge McDuck-style. Others still would like to hire a mercenary army like Blackwater to drive out the infidel American force.
---The Daily Show
-
"President Bush is on a week-long tour of Asia. He’ll visit South Korea, Thailand, and China. Or as the White House calls it: the Everything Sold At Wal-Mart tour."
---Jay Leno
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"Now, to highlight what a charade proper air pressure is, the McCain campaign has started handing out Barack Obama 'Energy Plan' tire gauges. You see, it's a great way to drive home what a ridiculous plan this is. Plus, it's an easy way to check your tire pressure, and that can save you a lot of money. That's not just me talking. The government's own website says that proper tire inflation can save up to 12 cents a gallon immediately. So thank you for the tire gauge, Senator McCain. And good work. You stuck it to all the left-wing nutjobs who advocate proper tire inflation. Radical liberals like your potential vice presidential nominee, Florida Governor Charlie Crist, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Joe Lieberman, Triple A and the pinkos over at NASCAR. I've had my eyes on those guys ever since they had that car sponsored by the ACLU."
---Stephen Colbert
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"Security is very tight for the Olympics in China, which has been very hard on the locals there. Many stores and factories in Beijing have been forced to close, and people have been forced out of their houses. Sort of like here in the United States, only for them it ends in a couple of weeks."
---Jimmy Kimmel
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"There's excitement in the air over the Olympics...also lead, arsenic, benzene..."
---David Letterman
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"The skies over Beijing are very smoggy. The government says the pollution is just a harmless mist. They made a similar statement about the treatment of prisoners---it’s not torture, it’s Pilates."
---Craig Ferguson

Personally I have no interest in the Olympics...  What's that? The U.S. men's soccer team beat Japan? Whoooooooo!!!!  In yer face, Land of the Rising LOSERS!!

USA! USA! USA!

Ahem. Cheers and Jeers starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]

From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...

A Case of Whiplash

The American public over the last four six eight twelve months:

Who is Obama??? We don’t know enough about Obama!! How can we elect Obama if we don’t know enough about him??? He's too mysterious to us! He's too unknown! We need to know more...more...MORE!!! Help us, oh traditional media! Help us to learn more about this man who came out of nowhere by airing non-stop coverage of his words, his deeds...his ups, his downs, his smiles, his frowns! Satisfy our curiosity, oh Punditocracy! Fill in our blanks! Feed us the facts!

The American Public now:

Barack Obama may be the fresh face in this year's presidential election, but nearly half say they're already tired of hearing about him, a poll says.

With Election Day still three months away, 48 percent said they're hearing too much about the Democratic candidate, according to a poll released Wednesday by the nonpartisan Pew Research Center. Just 26 percent said the same about his Republican rival, John McCain.

On sale today in the C&J gift shop: neck braces.

Cheers and Jeers starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]

From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...

Oh!  More Things I Know:

When a Republican candidate makes a verbal gaffe, it's a "misstatement" and nothing to get upset about. When a Democratic candidate makes a verbal gaffe, it's a "serious blunder that has jeopardized the campaign by alienating independents."

We wouldn’t be having this argument about tire pressure if all our wheels were made out of wood.

John McCain is one teleprompter glitch away from losing the election.

Just for fun I'm going to exercise my second amendment right by strapping on a revolver, boarding a packed metro bus, and asking the first passenger I see, "Excuse me...are you sure your seat's taken?"

John Edwards gets hammered for owning one expensive house and getting a $400 haircut. John McCain gets a free pass for owning eight-to-ten expensive houses and wearing $520 loafers.

When people say, "Well, I hope you managed to get through X without too much trouble...", they're saying they hope you did, in fact, have a little trouble getting through it.

Cindy McCain would not have won the Miss Buffalo Chip pageant. But she might've come in second if her alleged tassel-twirling abilities came through for her.

The vast majority of children entering sixth grade in the fall will have no recollection of the attacks of 9/11 because they were too young to remember them.

If dreams are a preview of the afterlife, I'm going to be spending a lot of time falling off cliffs, missing tests and forgetting my lines onstage.

No matter how many speeches future presidents give, they will never quote George W. Bush to reinforce a point unless it's about dishonesty or failure.

I will not comment about whether I'll accept the nomination for vice president because I don't deal in hypotheticals.

Now that gas prices are under four bucks a gallon again, consumers will rush to trade in their hybrids for SUVs. Next week, when gas rises above four bucks a gallon again, they'll trade in their SUVs for hybrids, after which several auto industry executives will shoot themselves in the head.

If Barack Obama had shown Charlton Heston in a campaign ad, he would've been accused by Republicans of playing the Alzheimer's card.

Someone needs to invent a TV where cable news pundits feel it when you throw your shoe at the screen.

And from one year ago:

The current Republican theme song is "Holding Out For A Hero." When Fred Thompson enters the race it will change to "We Are The Champions," followed quickly by a return to "Holding Out For A Hero."

Cheers and Jeers starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]

From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...

Lieberlogic!

When Barack Obama says...

"My interest is in making sure that we've got the kind of comprehensive energy policy that can bring down gas prices. ... If, in order to get that passed, we have to compromise in terms of a careful, well thought-out drilling strategy that was carefully circumscribed to avoid significant environmental damage---I don't want to be so rigid that we can't get something done."

Joe Lieberman says...

What he---what Barack Obama did over the weekend about offshore drilling is a tease.

But when John McCain says, "Senator Obama will raise your taxes, I won't," and later says "Everything's on the table," Joe Lieberman says...

John McCain has said very clearly he doesn't want to raise any taxes, but he's also said, because he's a great negotiator, "I want to sit down with everybody the way Ronald Reagan and Tip O'Neill did in the '80s, and we're going to solve this problem."

The Democrat is a "tease." The Republican is a "great negotiator."

And 1 + 1 = 3.

Cheers and Jeers starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]

From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...

Barack Obama: Too